Setting Up the Simulation: The Not-So-Secret Horoscope Recipe
I took on the May 29, 2025, Pisces forecast not because I believe in the stars, but because I believe in crappy code. Everyone wants to know if it’s good luck or bad luck. They think some old dude with a telescope is whispering secrets to a website editor. Bullshit. I decided to finally pull back the curtain and show that these “cosmic forecasts” are less cosmic and more statistical noise. It was a proper, messy little experiment.
First thing I did was skip all the fancy astrological charts. I didn’t care about Mercury retrograde or whatever. I went straight to the output. I literally scraped about five years of daily, weekly, and monthly horoscopes for all the signs from three different major websites. I didn’t care about the dates; I cared about the words. I dumped all that text into a program I wrote in an evening—it just counted the repetition.
The core process was about identifying the limited vocabulary they cycle through. This is the big secret: horoscopes are just a small, pre-approved list of concepts mixed and matched.
The Practice Process: Dissecting the Zodiac Jargon
I categorized all the sentences I scraped into three main buckets: Love, Money, and Energy/Health. Then I built a simple lookup table, which is really just a glorified spreadsheet that randomizes the outputs. For any given sign on any given day, they only feed you one word from a restricted set.
- Money Forecast Variables: I found they only use phrases centered around “Unexpected Windfall,” “Prudence Required,” “Financial Stability,” or “Avoid Major Purchases.” That’s basically four options. Total garbage.
- Love/Relationship Variables: This one was even dumber. It boiled down to “Deepen Connection,” “Tension Ahead,” “Miscommunication,” or “New Flirtation.” Again, four concepts to cover every day of every year.
- Career/Energy Variables: This is where they throw in the filler. It was things like “Push Ahead,” “Take a Rest,” “Routine is Best,” or “Unexpected Opportunity Knocks.”
I saw immediately that you could plug a sign and a date into my script, and it would generate a perfectly believable, completely useless horoscope sentence by picking one random option from each list. It’s nothing more than a random number generator with a theme. The “magic” is just the combination. I created the simulation model right there, proving you don’t need a degree in something pointless to write this stuff; you need a lookup table and a random function.
The Personal Reason: Why I Built This Crap
Now you’re probably wondering why I wasted a perfectly good week coding a horoscope generator. This is where my personal baggage comes in. Years ago, I made a decision that nearly wiped me out financially, and I blamed a horoscope.
I was trying to move my elderly uncle out of his old, dilapidated house and buy him a nice, small apartment. I needed a solid chunk of cash, and I found some garbage stock that my buddy swore was a “sure thing.” I checked my horoscope for that week—I was going to sign the paperwork that Friday. The forecast read, and I remember this perfectly because it still makes me sick, “A powerful, unseen force guides your financial decisions this week. Trust your intuition.” I looked at that and thought, “The stars are telling me to go all in.”
I put my entire savings and some borrowed money into that stock. That Thursday, the CEO got arrested in another country. I watched the value of my portfolio drop 98% in about six hours. My uncle stayed in the leaky house for two more years.
I spent the next year rebuilding, fighting to even get that borrowed money paid off. I vowed that I would never let some vague, feel-good B.S. sentence influence me again.
The Grand Conclusion: May 29, 2025 Forecast Realized
So, my goal with this simulation was pure revenge. I wanted to show the system for the fraud it is. I came back to this May 29, 2025, Pisces forecast and ran it through the machine I built.
I hit the “Generate” button, maybe ran it 20 times just to see the spread, and the results were hilarious. The first time, it spit out “Deepen your connection, but prudence is required with your energy.” The fifth time: “Avoid major purchases, but an unexpected opportunity knocks.” The twentieth time: “Financial stability is key, but tension may arise in your relationships.”
See? It’s built so you can’t lose. My own generated forecast for May 29, 2025, for any Pisces out there is: Things might be good, but they also might be bad. Be careful. That’s the entire secret. I wasted a week of my life to prove that the horoscope is just a table of randomized platitudes, but I got my closure. Every time I see a forecast now, I just remember the simplicity of the script I wrote and know they are just playing dice with your hopes. The simulation worked exactly as planned: it uncovered the mess.
