I Was Totally Lost, Then Hexagram 31 Showed Up
Man, relationships. For the longest time, I was banging my head against the wall. I’d try everything the dating gurus pushed—be confident, chase hard, play games. I was treating finding love like a job application: submit enough attempts, and eventually, someone will hire you. It was exhausting, and frankly, it was a totally useless crap strategy.
I was using apps, going to events, having coffee dates that felt more like job interviews than actual connections. I dumped hundreds of hours into this process over about three years, and what did I get? A collection of fizzled-out situationships and a lot of emotional baggage. I was convinced something was fundamentally broken with the whole modern dating scene, but really, the problem was me. I was operating under the wrong energy.
I finally hit a point where I just quit. I threw my phone into a drawer for a weekend and told myself: I need a system that isn’t built on forced effort, but on genuine resonance. That’s when I remembered the I Ching book sitting dusty on my shelf. I had picked it up years ago, read the intro, and decided it was too complicated.
But this time, I dove in deep. I wasn’t looking for quick answers; I was trying to map out a strategy for attraction that felt real. I started reading about Hexagram 31, Xian, or “Influence.” Most folks gloss over it, thinking it’s just the “Wooing” hexagram. They think it means someone is coming to them. That’s where they get it wrong.
Mapping the Energy: How I Switched My Dating Mode
The hexagram isn’t about pushing; it’s about mutual responsiveness. It’s the mountain (stillness, resting, the young male) being influenced by the lake (joy, yielding, the young female). It’s about attracting through receptivity, not brute force chasing. I decided to treat this not as philosophy, but as a practical, actionable guide for self-management.
I started by analyzing the structure of the hexagram itself, which details influence starting from the bottom up—the toes, the calves, the thighs, the heart, the back, and the mouth.
My old strategy had always been the “mouth” line first: talking big, selling myself, trying to convince someone I was worth dating. Totally ineffective. So, I reversed the flow. I decided to focus on the first three lines:
- Line 1 (Toes): The ability to move, but with intention. I stopped saying yes to every invite and only went places I genuinely wanted to be. I started walking into rooms with a purpose that had nothing to do with finding a date.
- Line 2 (Calves): Stability in movement. I committed to my own routine. I stopped cancelling my gym sessions or hobbies just because a potential date popped up. I solidified my foundation.
- Line 3 (Thighs): Holding momentum. This was tricky. It meant when I did meet someone, I needed to let the connection move slowly, not jump straight to defining things.
I implemented a 90-day isolation period from aggressive dating. I deleted the apps and told myself I was only focusing on the “influence” within my existing daily life. If I felt good, happy, and stable, I was effectively broadcasting the “Lake” energy (joyful receptivity) that would attract the “Mountain” (stable presence).
The Unexpected Result: Stopping the Chase
What happened next was bizarre. When I was chasing, I found nothing. The moment I pulled back, stabilized my base, and just enjoyed my life, everything shifted. I wasn’t looking for love; I was just making my environment (my job, my apartment, my friendships) exactly what I wanted it to be.
About 60 days into this experiment, I went to a small local bookstore, something I had picked up again as a hobby. I was just browsing, completely absorbed in finding a specific old history book. Someone walked up and asked me about the book in my hand. It was a casual, zero-pressure interaction. The conversation just flowed. There was no performance, no selling, just genuine interest in what I was actually doing.
That person is now my partner. And the relationship itself feels like a perfect reflection of Hexagram 31. It’s balanced. We aren’t pushing each other; we respond. The initial attraction was subtle, built on shared interests (the toes and calves lines doing their job), and the relationship has maintained momentum without massive drama (the thigh line). We didn’t jump straight to the “mouth”—the talking about commitment and future plans—until the foundation was absolutely solid.
Most people who study the I Ching for dating are looking for Hexagram 31 to pop up in a reading and tell them, “You’re good to go!” That’s not how it works. That’s like a mechanic waiting for the manual to fix the car for him. My practice showed me that Hexagram 31 isn’t a prediction; it’s a map for how you should be presenting your influence in the world so that genuine connection can find you. I stopped pushing, I started embodying, and the whole game changed. I highly recommend anyone struggling to stop looking and start being.
