Lemme tell you something right off the bat: that old, dust-covered Pisces 2017 weekly horoscope—the one I dug up from a forgotten corner of an archived website—it was the best damn $0 I spent on life coaching this year. Yep, I did it. I ran my whole week using advice that was relevant back when fidget spinners were cool. And you know what? It worked just as well as the ‘customized strategy session’ I paid big bucks for last month. Maybe better.
The Dumbest Experiment I Ran This Week
I needed direction. My internal compass was busted. So, I figured, why not pull a random set of coordinates from the past and see if I land anywhere worthwhile? I scrolled and scrolled until I found it: “Pisces Weekly Horoscope for April 3rd – April 9th, 2017.” That week, the stars were apparently shouting one clear message at my sign: “The energy is centered on your third house of communication. Expect delays, but push through with firm, unyielding messages. Sign that paper, but only after you’ve stated your terms and refused to compromise. Be selfish this week.”
My first thought was, “Dude, that’s advice for a legal fight, not my Monday morning.” But I committed. I decided to apply this dusty, four-year-old celestial pushiness to the three biggest sticking points in my life right now:
- The mess with the freelance client who’s dragging their feet on payment.
- The weird passive-aggressive tension with my neighbor over the communal parking space.
- Deciding whether to take a big, risky chunk of money out of a savings account for a gear upgrade.
I started with the client. Normally, I send a polite, slightly apologetic email: “Hey, just following up, any ETA?” Not this time. My 2017 self was a stone-cold killer. I opened up the email, typed exactly three sentences, zero apologies, zero fluff. It was basically: “Invoice X is overdue. Payment is expected within 48 hours. Consequences will ensue.” I actually used the word “consequences.” I felt like a jerk, but I hit send. That was Monday.
Tuesday, the neighbor issue came up. He left a note, full of sweet smiles and poison, about how my car was “just a little too far over the line.” I usually ignore it or write a terse, equally polite note back. This time? I walked right over to his door. No notes. I knocked. When he opened the door, I didn’t even let him start his passive-aggressive tirade. I stood there, channeling that 2017 Jupiter-in-the-third-house energy. “This spot is 50/50. I’m taking my 50. I won’t move it.” I said it. No explanation. No debate. Just stood there until he finally nodded, looking confused. Then I walked away. It felt amazing.
The money move decision came on Wednesday. It was a 50/50 risk. I was leaning toward playing it safe—delaying, waiting for more data. But the 2017 me was “unyielding.” I logged in, moved the funds, and hit confirm. No waiting. Just a decisive, slightly terrifying click. By Friday, the client payment hit my account. Full amount. The neighbor hasn’t said a word since.
Why I Had to Dig Up Ancient Star Charts
You’re probably thinking, why would a grown person resort to a random old horoscope for real-life advice? Let me take you back a couple of weeks. It’s the kind of story that explains everything.
I had a major professional relationship blow up. Someone I had been working with for years, someone I trusted, someone who I thought was a mentor. We were negotiating a new contract for a project, a big one. I kept trying to be reasonable. I kept trying to find the middle ground. I was so worried about preserving the “relationship” and not coming across as too demanding. I wasted weeks of my life in diplomatic niceness, sending careful, nuanced emails, reading between their lines, offering concessions before they even asked.
And what happened? They absolutely railroaded me. They took every one of my compromises as weakness. They smiled and told me how “flexible” I was, then presented a final contract that was total garbage, stripping out half the pay and doubling the deliverable load. When I finally stood firm, they just dropped me. Gone. Blocked my number, deleted me from the Slack channel. Just like that.
I sat there for two days feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet. I realized I was so focused on being “good” and “professional” and “accommodating” that I forgot to be firm. I kept searching online for answers: “How to negotiate without ruining the relationship,” “best professional boundaries.” It was all the same gentle garbage. It kept telling me to use ‘I feel’ statements and ‘active listening’ and all that soft nonsense that got me absolutely screwed.
It hit me: all the current, expensive, well-meaning advice on the internet is fundamentally broken because it forgets that sometimes you just need to tell someone “No” and stick to it. I got so fed up, I thought, “What’s the most arbitrary, non-curated, non-optimized advice I can find?”
That’s how I ended up with Pisces 2017. I figured, if the modern gurus are going to cost me money and friendships, maybe some random four-year-old cosmic BS would at least be free and equally terrible. Turns out, the stars in 2017 were demanding I be an absolute jerk for a week. And the three biggest problems on my plate crumbled. Sometimes, all you need is old, blunt, weirdly specific advice to just act and stop overthinking the mess.
I’m keeping that archived page bookmarked. When the modern world fails me again, I’m digging deeper into the 2018 predictions. They might suggest I buy a lottery ticket or yell at a bird. Either way, it’ll be a better damn strategy than paying a $300 consultant to tell me to “center my authenticity.”
