The Time I Stopped Being the Boss and Saved My Relationship
Man, let me tell you, relationships are tough. I used to think I had the perfect setup. I was the planner, the decision-maker, the guy who always knew the best route, the best restaurant, the best way to handle any issue. I figured, if someone has to steer the ship, might as well be me, right?
Wrong. Dead wrong.
My partner, bless her patience, eventually hit a wall. Everything was a fight. Not shouting matches, but those slow, grinding arguments about whose plan was “better” for the weekend, or why my way of loading the dishwasher was clearly superior. We were functioning, but we weren’t flowing. I was constantly pushing my agenda, and she was constantly resisting because she felt unheard. We kept running into this exact same piece of friction: I lead, she pulls back, we stall. I knew we were good together, but the constant static was draining us both dry.
This went on for maybe six months, and honestly, I was getting ready to throw my hands up. I felt like I was doing all the work—all the planning, all the logistics—and getting zero credit, only resistance. I remember one terrible Sunday night. We had wasted the entire afternoon arguing over whether we should go to the hardware store first or the grocery store first. It sounds pathetic, but that’s where we were. I was so mad I walked out and sat in the car just scrolling through my phone, trying to calm down.
I wasn’t looking for relationship advice, but I happened to click on an old file I had saved years ago—some notes on the I Ching, just random stuff I looked at when I was bored. And there it was, staring me right in the face: Hexagram 17, Sui (Following).
Shifting Gears: From Pushing to Following
When I first read about Hexagram 17, I thought, “Following? Me? I’m supposed to follow?” I associated following with being weak, passive, or giving up control. But the description wasn’t about blind obedience; it was about genuine, timely alignment. It talked about how true joy and success come when you adapt and move with the current, not against it. It wasn’t about giving up the map; it was about letting someone else drive sometimes, and enjoying the ride.
I realized my problem wasn’t that my plans were bad; it was that I never created space for her initiative, her joy, or her rhythm. I was Thunder trying to lead Lake, when sometimes Lake needs to enjoy being fed by Thunder.
I immediately started the practice. It was brutal at first.
The first thing I did was stop offering an opinion on weekend plans unless directly asked. This felt incredibly unnatural. We had a dinner date planned the following Friday. My instinct was to open Yelp, sort by rating, and book a reservation three weeks in advance. Instead, I simply asked her, “Hey, what are you feeling for Friday? You pick.”
She looked suspicious. Like I was setting a trap.
I persisted. I literally had to bite my tongue every time she suggested something I privately thought was less efficient or not ideal. When she suggested a restaurant I thought was “too loud,” I resisted the urge to launch into a three-point argument about ambient noise levels. I just said, “Sounds fun. Let’s do it.”
Here were the key actions I consciously implemented:
- I consciously stepped back from leading the trivial stuff. If she started a project (like organizing the pantry or figuring out the vacation itinerary), I shut up and became her best assistant, not her supervisor. I followed her methodology, even if it took three extra steps.
- I focused on active affirmation. Instead of just passively going along, I started actually affirming her ideas, making her feel like her choices brought me genuine pleasure. That’s the core of Hexagram 17—it has to be rooted in joy.
- I reversed the decision flow. For big purchases or joint projects, instead of presenting my solution and asking for feedback, I started asking her what her ideal outcome looked like before I did any research. I followed her vision first.
The change wasn’t instant. For the first two weeks, she kept testing me, waiting for the shoe to drop or for me to snatch control back. But I held firm to the “Following” energy. I adapted to her tempo.
The Essential Advice for Harmony
What happened next was almost embarrassing in its simplicity. When I stopped fighting to lead, she naturally stepped up and started leading in areas where she was strong, and she did it with enthusiasm because the pressure was off. Our home life got smoother almost immediately. The friction vanished. That energy we used arguing about the hardware store was suddenly available for actual fun.
We realized that I Ching 17 isn’t about giving up power; it’s about sharing responsibility and trusting that alignment is more powerful than unilateral control. When you align yourself to the flow your partner creates, or to the flow of the relationship itself, everything speeds up because you’re not dragging against each other.
I learned that my partner wasn’t resisting my ideas; she was resisting my refusal to accept hers. When I genuinely followed, she felt seen, and that feeling translated directly into harmony.
So, the essential advice, forged in the fires of my own stubbornness, is this: Stop trying to boss your relationship around. If you are stuck, if there is constant static, step back and let your partner lead the dance for a bit. Truly follow, and bring your best supportive energy to their decisions. You might be shocked by the joy you find when you stop steering and start enjoying the ride they planned. That is the real power of Sui, Hexagram 17. It made our relationship stop stalling and start moving, together.
